Sunday, July 28, 2013

where is she now?

snake river twilight (capn firefly photo)
as this blog is a place for thinking through the space between dreams, it occurred to me that i could structure it along the lines of my first post, entitled "manifesto." it occurred to me that i could choose one line of the manifesto and write something that elaborates on it.

very well. i choose the line about not comparing myself to anybody else for any reason whatsoever.

i find that i fail in this most miserably with respect to my younger self. at this point in my life, age 62, i compare my now self to my past self and find my now self wanting. wanting execrably. because as of right now i have pretty much lost hope. i have pretty much lost my dreams. and i don't yet know what will come along to replace them. if anything.

here is the question i find myself asking: "where is the chansonette who...." and here are some of the permutations of that question:

where is the chansonette who believed her memoir would be published, and would touch millions of women who had suffered what she suffered as a child, and help them heal?

where is the chansonette who left her dead marriage believing that true love would find her? where is that true love?

where is the chansonette who fell in love and believed that love was the true one? and where is that love?

where is the chansonette who bought an old dilapidated house on a wish and a prayer and believed that she would be able to fix it up and make it beautiful and truly own it? and where is the chansonette who believed that some day her true love would join her there, and where is that true love?

where is the chansonette who believed in fitness and worked her body? where is that fitness? what happened to that beautiful body?

where is the chansonette who went through a phd program as a single parent on loans and believed that she would be 1) able to pay those loans back and 2) have a "career" in which she exercised her gifts and made a difference in the world? where is that career? what difference has she made?

where is the chansonette who knew without a doubt that she is a gifted healer and who believed that, when she was laid off from her day job at berkeley and forced into "retirement" it meant the time had come for her to make her living doing her gift and making a difference in the lives of others?

where is that "career" making a difference in the lives of others (not counting all the others who ask her to work on them "pro bono")?

where is the chansonette who believed that horses would be an integral part of her life? where are those horses?

where is the chansonette who rode horses, painted, sang, played flute, spoke spanish and french, ran, lifted weights, hiked, swam, biked, danced barefoot on beaches, made love, cooked, gardened, planned, dreamed, took risks, believed?

tonight? i don't know. but i hope i find her again soon.

and, more importantly, i hope she finds me.





Saturday, July 20, 2013

manifesto

just for today, i will cut myself some slack.
just for today, i will cut myself enormous amounts of slack.
just for today, i will accept exactly where i am right now, in every area of my life, without assigning words like "success" and "failure" to any of it.
just for today, i will know that i am exactly where and how i am supposed to be, without obsessing about self-improvement.
just for today, i will refrain from beating myself up.
just for today, i will know that everything in my life up to this moment has happened exactly as it was supposed to, and that i have done the very best i could
just for today, i will focus on all the beauty that surrounds me
just for today, i will know that for each of my problems there is a solution, because the one could not manifest without the other
just for today, i will know that i am divinely equipped to find the solution for each of my problems
just for today, i will swap out the word "challenges" for the the word "problems" and remember that i have always risen to the occasion of meeting challenges
just for today, i will remember that even when i am cocooning and avoiding, i am rising to the occasion of my challenges, because down time is the necessary obverse of and prerequisite for action
just for today, i will not compare myself with anybody else, for any reason whatsoever
just for today, i will give myself credit for what i have accomplished, without reflecting on all the stuff i haven't accomplished
just for today, i will know that i am enough, just as i am
just for today, i will know that i am every bit as lovable as i am loving (and that is a lot!)
just for today, i will know that if it hasn't happened, it was either not supposed to happen or it is waiting in the wings for the divine right timing
just for today, i will say "no thank you" to the habit of worrying
just for today, i will remember that this lifetime fear has been my teacher, which means fear is my friend
just for today, i will let fear show me what matters most to me, without letting my fear of fear stop me from taking my divine right next step
just for today, i will give myself the benefit of the doubt
just for today, i will remember that even though it sometimes looks like i just keep landing in the same place over and over again, tackling the same challenges over and over again, in truth i never land at all -- i am consciousness in motion and every heartbeat is a whole new world
just for today, i will remember that the only time and place is here and now
just for today, i will remember that here and now i am well, safe, and provided for
just for today, i will remember that i am a beloved idea in the mind of god