where is she now?

snake river twilight (capn firefly photo)

as this blog is a place for thinking through the space between dreams, it occurred to me that i could structure it along the lines of my first post, entitled "manifesto." it occurred to me that i could choose one line of the manifesto and write something that elaborates on it.

very well. i choose the line about not comparing myself to anybody else for any reason whatsoever.

i find that i fail in this most miserably with respect to my younger self. at this point in my life, age 62, i compare my now self to my past self and find my now self wanting. wanting execrably. because as of right now i have pretty much lost hope. i have pretty much lost my dreams. and i don't yet know what will come along to replace them. if anything.

here is the question i find myself asking: "where is the chansonette who...." and here are some of the permutations of that question:

where is the chansonette who believed her memoir would be published, and would touch millions of women who had suffered what she suffered as a child, and help them heal?

where is the chansonette who left her dead marriage believing that true love would find her? where is that true love?

where is the chansonette who fell in love and believed that love was the true one? and where is that love?

where is the chansonette who bought an old dilapidated house on a wish and a prayer and believed that she would be able to fix it up and make it beautiful and truly own it? and where is the chansonette who believed that some day her true love would join her there, and where is that true love?

where is the chansonette who believed in fitness and worked her body? where is that fitness? what happened to that beautiful body?

where is the chansonette who went through a phd program as a single parent on loans and believed that she would be 1) able to pay those loans back and 2) have a "career" in which she exercised her gifts and made a difference in the world? where is that career? what difference has she made?

where is the chansonette who knew without a doubt that she is a gifted healer and who believed that, when she was laid off from her day job at berkeley and forced into "retirement" it meant the time had come for her to make her living doing her gift and making a difference in the lives of others?

where is that "career" making a difference in the lives of others (not counting all the others who ask her to work on them "pro bono")?

where is the chansonette who believed that horses would be an integral part of her life? where are those horses?

where is the chansonette who rode horses, painted, sang, played flute, spoke spanish and french, ran, lifted weights, hiked, swam, biked, danced barefoot on beaches, made love, cooked, gardened, planned, dreamed, took risks, believed?

tonight? i don't know. but i hope i find her again soon.

and, more importantly, i hope she finds me.